A post from an old archive of mine

This was a piece I wrote shortly after leaving the community I lived in for 5 years. I share it because it is a very big part of my back story. New material is on the way :-)

Pilsdon at Malling Autumn 2011

Pilsdon at Malling: a former Guest’s reflection

Pilsdon was probably the only place I have ever truly felt happy, the only place In my relatively short life so far, that has truly been life-giving and safe. Walking through that door wasn’t easy and walking out of the door was even harder, but I would like to share my thoughts on what the community meant and continues to mean to me.

would have believed it comforted me and helped me through the bumps and turbulence of settling down to life at Malling. I made many mistakes and was naive and lazy and I had to ask for forgiveness many, many times, but I was never found wanting. I drove people crazy at times, at others I was tolerated, at times loved, but through it all I was supported by my fellow guests and community members.

Having no idea, besides a few pictures on a website, what the community was like and coming in through the wrong entrance having got totally lost as only I know how, I entered the world of Pilsdon for my three-day trial. I was met by the face of Peter Barnett looking at me through the open window of the dining room; he graciously welcomed me in to lunch to which I was late. After lunch he asked me to do the washing-up, an experience that for me was life-giving, a precious piece of normality in an otherwise hectic and off-the-wall world.

Having the space to grow, to make mis- takes and to find myself again was a key in the recovery process. To start with I had a totally wrong perception of how well I was and how in a year I would be off to some other community. This was never to happen: and I stayed for four years. I had hit rock bottom, lost all my sense of self and wasn’t going anywhere. I needed the safety and security of community. During this time I had several admissions into psychiatric hospital and each time this happened, I never thought I would be allowed back. The trust and mercy of the Pilsdon shone through and I came home to a lovely welcome, a welcome that I never thought I would get, from people I didn’t know cared. For me this was it, I was loved and cared for. But I was most of all a human being. I no longer needed to self-destruct all the time, I no longer needed to attention-seek because I was given a place and I was given value simply the way I was. Being with other people became easier and my true sense of self returned and was probably most evident on my 21st birthday. Words of thanks to the community for doing such a wonderful thing.

This sense of belonging, of having some thing to do, of having a purpose, of being a part of something, became deeply rooted within me so much so that even on my trial Pilsdon felt like home, like extended family. When I was told that I was allowed to come back and live at Pilsdon my heart leapt. I knew that it was where God wanted me to be.

For me and for many, being at Pilsdon brings with it a sense of reparation, having stockings at Christmas, having Easter eggs, things that some have never had, whilst being too late to help to soothe the sense of loss and mourning of a lost childhood or broken life.

Pilsdon is asked many times how can it work, how can so many who are so different live together and work together, why doesn’t it just fall apart ? I can’t answer that question except maybe to say the Holy Spirit which binds us all together is very much at work. But I can testify to the fact that it does, the unlearned and the scholar, the refugee and the aristocrat can all have had a place at our table. When I came to Pisldon I was petrified by the people I met, having had a sheltered upbringing I didn’t speak the language nor was I particularly good at anything. These kind people opened them- selves up to me made me feel welcome, valued and for a time at peace, people who I never

My 21st Birthday is something I will be forever grateful to Pilsdon for. Throughout my life I had never cele- brated Christmas or Easter or my birthday, and to have this special meal with my friends and to have everyone make such an effort brought tears to my eyes (and does even at this time of writing) having never had a special party be- fore, I didn’t know how to cope with it but I enjoyed it none the less and I spoke a few

I am so very grateful to have been given the opportunity to help with the sacristy work in the chapel, and to be in that special and holy place it was for me a workshop for trimming candles, for cleaning, polishing and preparing for holy things. But also a witness of the love of God which had been for hundreds of years part of a praying community it stood for me as a place where all are welcome where all had a place: as the hymn said, it truly has bricks made of living stone.

The world is a fierce and at times a highly critical place and the value of the vulner- able doesn’t seem to matter to most. In this way Pilsdon is counter-cultural, but in line with the Gospel of Christ it is a place where the be- atitudes are lived out, yes imperfectly, but lived out none the less. It is a place where skills can be learned and gifts are valued where everyone contributes in a way that he or she is able .